How to Talk to Your Child About Sexual Abuse (Even When You Don't Have the Perfect Words)
ML Counseling Blog | Parenting and Body Safety | Audience: Potential Clients
Talking to your child about sexual abuse is one of the scariest conversations a parent can have. If you've been avoiding it, you're not failing. You're human.
Recent headlines make it hard to look away. This is happening, more often than we want to admit. A popular streamer recently spoke publicly about being abused as a child by a family member. A young woman at Cornell alleges she was assaulted by multiple fraternity members, and she was blamed for what happened to her.
Here is what I need parents to hear: you can educate your child as much as you want, and it still doesn't always prevent it. Talking doesn't guarantee safety. But it shapes what happens next. Your child will be exposed to these topics whether you like it or not. So you either equip them, or you let the world tell them. Based on how some of these stories have unfolded, leaving it to the world doesn't seem like the safest option. And if something does happen, what then? That's where your response matters most.
Before: Talking to Your Child About Body Safety
We can't protect our children from everything. What we can do is guide these little people we get to raise: give them the tools, the words, and the knowledge that we're a safe place to land.
In my therapy sessions, parents sometimes share early experiences they've never talked about before. When that happens, I also explore how they approach this topic with their own kids, and so many tell me they're unsure how. Other parents, who never had those experiences, assume that not allowing sleepovers is enough of a barrier. But when we rely on avoidance instead of conversation, we create gaps. Even if we kept our kids in a bubble for the first 18 years, what happens when they step outside of it? What happens at their first party, in a dorm on campus, or at a sleepover at a relative's house? Sometimes, even at home, things seep through the cracks. Those 18 years are our time to prepare and guide them, so when they do step outside, they're ready. Not having these conversations isn't protecting them from anything. It's a disservice, and it puts our kids at a disadvantage.
According to the CDC, about 90% of child sexual abuse is committed by someone the child or their family knows and trusts, and RAINN reports that more than 30% of perpetrators are relatives. The risk is far more often someone we know than a stranger. That's exactly why these conversations have to happen.
Consider a parent driving home, eyes on the road, while their 11-year-old talks from the back seat about their day. Somewhere in the middle of the story, the child mentions something a friend said at lunch. The parent doesn't pull over or announce that it's time to talk. They simply ask, "What did you think about that?" Nothing about the moment feels like a big conversation, and that's the point.
You might picture walking into your child's bedroom and saying, "We need to talk." It doesn't have to happen that way. It happens while you're watching their favorite show. It happens when they share a silly YouTube video or mention what a friend is going through. With younger children, it happens at bath time, when they're learning about their bodies and the differences between them. If a character is facing peer pressure or struggling to say no, ask, "What would you do?" or "What do you think is right or wrong here?" Then listen. You might hear, "I didn't think about that," or even, "This happened to my best friend." Now the door is open.
Listening does more than open the door. It gives you room to challenge their thinking and offer perspectives they hadn't considered. Just by listening, you're showing them that what they have to say is important and matters. You're also teaching them that you believe they have what it takes to think things through. After all, you've been guiding them all along.
You're planting little seeds about autonomy, one small conversation at a time. Characters in a show or a book are an entry point for anything: peer pressure, boundaries, and divorced parents. Those conversations make the hard, uncomfortable ones easier to start, because it won't be the first time you've talked. The more daunting you make it, the more daunting and uncomfortable it will be for your child.
Most of the time, what gets in the way is our stuff, not theirs. When you share the human side of yourself, whether it's your hard moments, your good ones, or your embarrassing ones, it doesn't change the power dynamic.
It's our duty to talk about what can happen outside the spaces we control and to give them the tools to navigate it, even if that tool is just telling someone. How many more news stories do we need to hear before we recognize the importance of talking about the reality, always in an age-appropriate way? It empowers our kids. It doesn't leave them unprepared.
When parents ask me where to begin, I tell them body safety can start at any age. With young children: correct names for body parts, "no secrets, only surprises," and "you will never be in trouble for telling me." With older kids and teens: consent, boundaries, online exposure, and pressure from peers or people they trust. And it's an ongoing conversation that grows as your child grows.
Boundaries get practiced at home, not just discussed. If your child says, "I don't feel like a hug goodbye today," that's a chance to honor it. Kids learn that their "no" matters when we treat it that way. And when we can't honor a "no," we explain why.
As parents, we're the first authority figures our children ever know. That makes us their first example of what a healthy relationship with authority looks like, and that matters, because sometimes the person crossing a line is someone in authority. If we dismiss or push past a boundary because we're upset or angry, we can unintentionally teach that it's okay for someone in authority to do something that makes them uncomfortable. It's not enough to talk about boundaries. We have to model them. A child who has experienced healthy boundaries with the adults in their life has something to compare against, so if they ever find themselves in an unhealthy situation, they're more likely to feel that something is off. And children who learn to assert themselves appropriately and effectively with authority figures are better equipped to do the same with their peers.
During: The Moment of Disclosure
Your response can be the beginning of healing, or the thing that deepens the harm. Shame, betrayal, and second-guessing can flood in for the person who was targeted. Don't add to it. Listen. Say: "I believe you." "Thank you for telling me." "This is not your fault." "I'm going to keep you safe." Avoid "Why didn't you tell me sooner?" or "Are you sure?" and try not to show panic or rage in front of your child.
If it already happened and you missed it, the basics stay the same. This isn't about blame. It's a chance to learn from the person who is telling you what they need from you right now. Questions like "Why didn't you come to me?" make it about us. Try "How can I best support you?" Sometimes the answer is nothing more than listening. They may just want you to know what happened, and your job is to hold space for it. You don't need all the answers, just a willingness to listen.
The National Child Traumatic Stress Network has identified several protective factors that help a child build resilience. They include support from caregivers, family, and community, positive connections with caring adults and peers, and others believing and validating what happened to them. Just as important, a child who can place the blame where it belongs, outside themselves, is better protected. When home, school, and community stay stable and supportive, a child is better equipped to cope and move forward. Your response is part of that foundation.
After: Next Steps and Accountability
Accountability looks different for every family. With younger children, protecting them is your responsibility by any means. With older children, teens, and young adults, include them in decisions about what happens next when it's developmentally appropriate, as long as they seem open to it and it doesn't put them or anyone else at further risk. Not everyone will agree with the steps you take, even in your own family. You don't need anyone's agreement to protect your child.
Contact Child Protective Services and the police. They will typically investigate and provide you with resources. Therapy for your child, with a provider experienced in this work, is also an important step.
Here's what the streamer's mother did. Once she was informed, she reported it to the authorities and Child Protective Services, who minimized the situation and offered no alternative living arrangement for the older child who had harmed her son. He also couldn't stay with other relatives, who had young children in their homes, so she paid for a separate place for him to live. She tried to get him services, but he wasn't open to it, and she couldn't force him. Still, she protected her other children and set a firm boundary: he no longer had access to her home or her children. That's a parent holding someone accountable.
Compare that to the young woman at Cornell. No criminal charges were filed, and she was left carrying the weight until public attention brought a second look.
Why the Silence Has to End
When we don't talk about this openly, we create a breeding ground for normalizing it. In that silence, the world fills in the blanks, and children absorb whatever it tells them.
Boys, for example, are often told that early sexualization is a badge of honor instead of a violation. Girls are often taught that unwanted attention is flattery, or that "boys will be boys," so they learn to question their own discomfort instead of trusting it. When a violation gets brushed off as "just part of growing up," a child can come to believe that poor boundaries are normal, and that they're not supposed to have any. Knowing they're allowed to say "that wasn't okay" is what protects them.
When we shine a light on it and call it what it is, we stop excusing it. We stop expecting the person who experienced it to carry the shame and guilt. It all starts with just a conversation.
Where to Start in the Next 24 Hours
You don't need the perfect words. Here are a few small places to begin.
Honor a small "no." Let your child see that their boundary matters, even when it's a little thing.
Educate yourself. Read, talk with your own therapist, or talk with the people in your community about how they have these conversations. It's okay if you don't have the words yet.
Use books to start the conversation. Read one with your child. Our list is below.
Use the everyday moments. Talk during the car rides, the shows, and bath time.
If you do one thing today: Reach out to a trusted parent or elder in your community. Ask how they approached these conversations and what they wish they'd done differently. Then be more intentional about the everyday moments with your own kids.
Books to Start With
Books are a great way in, and there's something for every age group.
For younger children and pre-teens
Body Safety Wise Bundle Set 1 by Krystaelynne Sanders Diggs (ages 2-12)
Do You Have a Secret? by Jennifer Moore-Mallinos (ages 4-7)
Body Boundaries for Kids Ages 8-12 by Oma Magnus
For teens (13+)
Real Talk About Sex and Consent by Cheryl M. Bradshaw
It Doesn't Have to Be Awkward by Drew and Paulina Pinsky
Be Strong, Be Wise: The Young Adult's Guide to Sexual Assault and Personal Safety by Amy R. Carpenter
For parents
Off Limits: A Parent's Guide to Keeping Kids Safe from Sexual Abuse by Sandy K. Wurtele and Feather Berkower, with companion conversation-starter cards
No Is Not Enough: Helping Teenagers Avoid Sexual Assault by Caren Adams and Jennifer Fay
Helping Your Child Recover from Sexual Abuse by Caren Adams and Jennifer Fay
If You're a Survivor Reading This
What happened was not your fault, and healing has no deadline. You deserve support whenever you're ready.
RAINN: 800-656-HOPE (4673). Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline: 800-422-4453.
Start the conversation. Start it imperfectly. Your child wants to hear it from you.
More on this topic is coming. If you'd like to reach out in the meantime, my contact page at mlcounselor.com goes straight to my inbox.
Comments