Maybe It Really Was Me

It's Not You, It's Me

ML Counseling Blog | Individual Therapy | Audience: Potential Clients

Did you know that if therapy has not worked for you in the past, the problem may not have been therapy itself? It may have been the fit.

I say this because the decision to try therapy takes courage. And when that experience falls short it can feel like a personal failure rather than what it actually is, a mismatch. There are countless individuals who have taken that courageous step, sat across from someone, and left feeling like something was missing. They quietly closed that door and carried that experience as evidence that healing was simply not accessible to them.

But what if the door was not the problem? What if it was just the wrong door?

No one told you that you were allowed to try again with someone different. So let me be the one to tell you.

You get to choose who you let in.

When you walk into a therapy room, or turn on your computer for a telehealth session, you are about to do something remarkable. You are about to show up as your most authentic self with someone who has absolutely no bearing in your day-to-day life. I do not know your parents. I do not know your siblings. I do not know your partner or your children. I am a blank slate.

And that is the beauty of it.

You do not have to protect me from the truth. You do not have to sugarcoat anything to spare my feelings. You do not have to play any of the roles you typically play in your life. The only person you have to show up for in that room is yourself.

That kind of freedom is rare. But it only works when you feel safe enough to actually use it. And if you do not feel that safety with your therapist, if you are sitting there wondering, should I say this? Will she judge me? Will she take it the wrong way? Then that person is simply not the right fit for you.

And that is okay.

But I want to be clear about something important here. Therapy is not supposed to feel comfortable all the time. In fact, if it always feels comfortable, you may not be going deep enough. There will be sessions that are hard. There will be moments that bring up things you were not expecting. That discomfort is not a problem, because it is often where the real work lives.

But there is a difference between discomfort that comes from growth and discomfort that comes from feeling like you cannot fully show up. The first one is part of the process. The second one is a hindrance to it. And you deserve to know the difference.

Not every therapist is for every person, and that includes me.

I tell every new client I work with the same thing: I am not going to be everyone's piece of cake. Not everyone is going to connect with my style, my approach, or the way I do things. And that is not a failure. That is just how human connection works.

There is a reason I cannot do therapy with my sister. We have shared life experiences. We have our own history. I have a perspective on certain things in her life that would make it nearly impossible for me to be truly objective in a therapeutic relationship with her. A good therapist needs to be a blank slate, and you deserve someone who can be exactly that for you.

So if something has felt off in a past therapy experience, if you left sessions feeling unheard, misunderstood, or like you could not fully be yourself, please hear me when I say this: that was information. It was telling you that the fit was not right. It was not telling you that healing is not possible for you.

Your comfort in that room matters.

Therapy is not supposed to feel like a performance. It is not supposed to feel like you are managing someone else's emotions while trying to talk about your own. If you are monitoring what you say, softening your truth, or leaving sessions feeling worse than when you arrived, something is off.

I say to my clients: if this is not working for you, please tell me. Be honest. Be transparent. Because this process is not about me. It is about you getting what you need. And sometimes what you need is someone other than me, and that is completely okay. My goal is not for you to stay. My goal is for you to heal. And if I am not the person who can help you get there, then we find you the person who can.

Stop worrying about how telling a therapist it is not working is going to make them feel. Therapists are trained to have those conversations with you. What they cannot do is help you if you are not being honest.

You deserve a therapist who feels like the right fit.

Not comfortable. Not perfect. Not someone who tells you what you want to hear. But someone you can lay it all bare with. Someone you can walk into a room with, or log onto a screen with, and finally exhale.

That person exists. And if you have not found them yet, please do not give up on the process. Give up on the fit that was not working, and keep looking.

You owe yourself that much.

At ML Counseling I work with individuals who are ready to find that space. A place where you can show up fully, without armor, and get the support you actually deserve.